
Man Plans











Sitting at Sesame Donut at 1.52am, technically Tuesday morning. A warm breeze came off of the hills to the north, and it was supposed to reach 100 degrees before the sun sets again. The hum of the roadside donut sign almost matched pitch with the buzzing flutter of the night insects. On the table, I had one chocolate crème, one twist stick, and one-minus-a-bite chocolate old fashioned, as well as a 16 oz cup of coffee. I had already eaten the chocolate raised and the chocolate old fashioned would be joining it soon. The other two were for my friend, who is currently out of town.
I was house-sitting her apartment, and had been since Friday night. It was a welcome escape from living with Mum, who was a good person and a good roommate, but who lived too differently from myself to really live with. It was a blessing to live in another space, another's space, a small apartment 15 minutes' walk to Sesame Donut.
Saturday night, the night before my friend was due home, I got this great Idea to welcome her back with a treasure hunt, the prize of which was to be a sesame donut. What a cool way to come home!
So. The Plan.
Upon returning home, she'll be met by a small note taped over the keyhole on the front door that, on the outside, reads in mahogany colored pencil "Welcome Home! Want to play a game?" On the inside, above some badly rendered light blue snowflake/ice crystals, it says:
"In where it's cold,
enough to make frost,
a considered wise choice
is the shortest of straws."
Well, there's nowhere in her apartment that fits the frosty part of that description except for the freezer. So off she'll go, hopefully just dumping her bags inside the door. And, of course, she'll be skipping to the freezer, because, wow, how exciting, right?
In the freezer, in front of the ice cube tray, is a little card which simply states, "Choose Wisely" and in front of which are three plastic straws, all with pieces of paper rolled up inside. As the previous clue alluded, one of these straws is noticeably shorter than the others. She'll clap in delight and, to prolong the anticipation, immediately grab one of the longer straws. Removing the paper, she'll giggle a bit as she reads "GAME OVER" or "Turn to page 32", depending on which straw she got. But the short straw provides a real clue:
"The snarling beast upon my brow
is rather fond of Pahd Ga Prow."
If you know my friend as I do, you'd know that this is a reference to a Filipino dragon mask that I brought back from Hawaii, and which hangs on her wall, near the bedroom and bathroom. (Just in case she's confused, or tempted to open the doors to these two rooms, I've posted warnings on the doorknobs which say "This door is temporarily LOCKED. We're sorry for the inconvenience.") It's a grisly, sharp visage, it's pretty gnarly, and I love it so very, very much. Anyway, trapped in its snarling mouth is a note which has on the outside a bad colored pencil "image" of a plate of pahd ga prow. Inside, the note reads:
"Here there was light
from a lamp like the sun
where plants grew to full height,
but now there are none."
About a year ago, my friend took her indoor planting to the next level and attempted to grow some tropical plants which required stupid amounts of sunlight and humidity. Since such conditions cannot be created throughout the entire apartment without forfeiting the security deposit, she devised a small sunroom/humidor in her coat closet to get them good and healthy. But that experiment was shut down by an unnamed government agency, fearful of what my friend was learning about subverting so-called "natural laws". Anyway, she'll remember this episode and, putting two and two together, she'll squeal and dance over to that closet. The cards in her hand are beginning to stack up, beginning to gain a little more heft.
On the doorknob of the closet is a card that says simply "YAY!" in coloured pencils. Inside, next to a "drawing" of a sewing pin:
"A ripe tomato
and a strawberry:
That's where to stick 'em
so they don't stick me."
Obviously, this is pointing towards the pin-cushion next to her sewing machine. Need I even elaborate to say that the pin-cushion is a red fabric tomato with a fabric strawberry dangling off of it? Of course I don't. With this latest clue in her hand, she flits over to the pin-cushion, upon which is pinned another note, reading "'RAY!" (which is how crowds cheer in old Disney cartoons). Inside, the following "poem" is presented:
"Dermalogica
Multi-Active Toner:
When you hold it in your hand
it feels kind of like a boner."
I'd be surpised if she didn't know her own skin care products by name, and only a little less surprised if she didn't know where she keeps it. But, just in case, the note concludes with "The bathroom door is now unlocked." So, this clue being pretty straight forward, she'll just make her way to the bathroom. Oh, but she'll laugh at the word "boner" first.
She'll take the note off the door and enter to see, upon the counter where she left it, the bottle of Multi-Active B/T-oner (this product will forever feel different when she smears it into her skin, the dirty pervert). Only now, there is a card next to it, which sports a Sharpie-art bald guy trying to look behind him and thinking "...like it's right behind me...hmm...". On the inside of the card, it says, "Just think for a moment".
So.
What would you do? Look behind you? Or maybe around the spot you found the card in? Perhaps you'd turn the card over. Aha! She now shouts once, a happy "Oh, hey!" There on the back is the next clue:
"Where your body sags
when a day's full done,
I left you my seed,
if you'll swallow the pun."
And then: "The bedroom door is now unlocked."
Honestly, what are you thinking right now? That I went into her bedroom, squeezed a good five-roper onto her bed, and hoped she'd find it and lick it up? Well, maybe so, but I didn't send her on this expedition for that.
After removing another "sorry for the inconvenience" sign and opening the bedroom door, she'll immediately notice a sesame seed donut on a red plate. Next to it is a note that says "FUCK YEAH!" and has a bad drawing of an archetypal donut (with pink frosting and coloured sprinkles). "FUCK YEAH!" she echoes.
Or echoed.
See, that would have happened had she come home when she originally planned to: Sunday night. But Sunday afternoon, she called to say that she would be home Tuesday, around noon. Well, fuck all if I'm going to let the prize for such clue-ish foolishness be a stale donut. That's a shitty reward no matter what the challenge. It's not like we're on a donut ration here in the States. So Sunday night, when I got "home" from work, I ate the donut.
I chewed slowly, savoringly ignoring that it was already kind of stale, washing it down with strong Russian tea. Besides, I figured, I'll just buy a fresh one Monday night.
So there I was at Sesame Donut. Now 3.02am, technically Tuesday morning. The warm breeze off the hills had cooled. I had a second cup of coffee and still no sesame donut. They were out. No namesakes here at the Sesame Donut. Fuckin' stupid. I bought the chocolate crème and twist stick to fill the gap, thinking, "Hey, the last card's not a picture of a sesame donut particularly, it's all good." Ah, but then I think, "Fuck. What sense does the semen/seed pun make now?"
None, dammit. There's no pun to swallow, no seed in the bedroom (that you know of), and all that's left is the bottle of Multi-Active Toner which she can't seem to let go of.
After sitting at the damn donut shop for over two hours, waiting, writing and brooding, they finally produced half a tray of sesame donuts. I dashed inside, bought one and hiked back to the apartment, tired, strung out and feeling strangely justified.
It took a while to re-set the hunt, as my perfectionist streak required that a few of the doorknob cards be remade. But it was set perfectly and I got to bed around 4.45am.
So.
To sleep.
Right at noon, she busted through the door. I was sleeping on the couch and half-sat up, confused and clown-haired. She had the first note in her mouth as she hauled her bags back towards the bedroom.
"Don't put them in the bedroom," I mumbled as loud as my bleary eyes would let me. I heard her tear the "inconvenience" sign from the doorknob and then the door open. Then the thud of her bags on the floor and a muted, kind of tired "Hey, cool."
She had just found the donut.
Ah, so.
Man plans, god laughs.